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 A letter to myself when I was younger.

You can tell me. Even though he said not to, it’s okay to tell adults. I know you didn’t tell anyone then, but it’s not too late to tell me now. You won’t get into trouble and it will help me understand better.

I know you wanted to go home before he got home, that it was always better if you got picked up before he came home from work.

I remember his hands, they weren’t like my dad’s hands. My dad worked in an office and on computers. My dad had clean hands. He had dirty hands, cigarette-stained hands, strong hands that smelled like nicotine and smoke and other scents I didn’t know.

I remember he shaved. But not every day. I remember bristles.

I remember gifts. He seemed to want there to be gifts.

And I remember getting in trouble with the wife if we misbehaved?

I get the spins when I try to think more about it. My chest gets tight. My heart races and my mind wants to draw blanks.

But I remember his stale cigarette-laden breath. Why would I remember his breath?

I can’t picture his face, just his hands.

I can’t remember his kids, or his wife.

I remember the shag carpet, the dresser-like huge old television set, I remember playing the-floor-is-lava and jumping from couch to couch. I remember watching He-Man and wanting to grow up to be him, because he always had to come save She-Ra and I didn’t want to have to be saved. I remember the mom/wife upstairs at the kitchen table making stained glass pieces …… I remember that they took me away one weekend to their little cottage on some island somewhere? I remember the dock, and the weedy-muddy water, and losing one of the jelly-shoes in the muck …. I remember going to Regal, and picking a glass trinket box from the shelf…..

That’s quite a lot for a 4 year old to remember.

But what about what I don’t remember. Did something happen to make me remember all of this? I can’t remember and I feel scared and I can’t piece it together and I want to panic. My joints ache, my heart races, and I can’t remember. But I think our body does.

3:58pm Thursday June 30th, 2022

5:49pm I lost my virginity to rape at 16, but I’ve written about that before. Somehow this seemed more present to write about.