Strength ....

This image is funny, but in all seriousness, that Russia picture is exactly why I'm afraid to lose weight -- I've been independent my whole life.. I can't count the number of times I've had to move large pieces of furniture or ghawd knows what else, all by myself .. and while it is frustrating and I might ache later, it's not the end of the world. I one-armed my van tires on rims, while the lovely, pretty petite woman who was helping me could almost not move the things. I carry all my groceries and huge bags of kitty litter or whatever the fck else needs to be moved -- because I have the sheer force of my body and the muscles required. I'm not the type who is going to be at the gym working out every day to maintain muscle mass to be able to still do this stuff. I nearly broke myself 2 wks ago moving a steel-frame trundle bed we bought on kijiji for my kid ... but it needed to be done, so I did it. I always just have. What do I do if I can't? I held all my grocery bags all in my pinky finger the other day, cuz I was saying to my mom how it amazes me that the human body can do such awesome things -- and she said "uhh, yours maybe, I can't do that!" ... oh.

Worthwhile story!

This could have pissed me off for so many reasons -- but it doesn't; it is beautiful ..... it makes me think of what does piss me off .... when a little child, 3 or 4 years old, says "mommy, her arms are huge!" and the parent, embarrassed by their own ingrained discomfort with size, shushes that little voice, beginning the seeds of the same discomfort -- teaching (incorrectly so) that size is something we don't talk about, we don't acknowledge, we turn our head from ...... Well y'know what, mother of that child... I AM A PERSON TOO, and yes, my arms are huge, your kid may as well have said "mommy, she has brown hair" ...... every time you teach your kids to turn away from something that is simple fact, you are watering those seeds and creating the society that I eat to escape from. So to the fatty walking the track -- kudos to you for being able to rise above it all and working out for yourself, for your health, for your future. I keep trying. I keep getting out there, but I keep failing. I'll start again though, because my story is far from done. #HAES


It starts here:

To The Person Running On The Track This Afternoon: I Really Hope You Read This

17 March, 2013

Also seen as:

Hey, Out of Shape Girl.

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

You are awesome.

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.
You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

I bow to you.

(via flintland.blogspot.com/)

International Women's Day

Today we celebrate what it is to be women... Living in a privileged nation, I get to do that each and every day of my life. Today I celebrate the women and girls who fight for survival with every breath; who walk in silence so that they may return another day; who meet in quiet basements and discuss their future; who plan and act decisively towards a better life for themselves and their daughters; and those brave enough to speak out even at the risk of their own life. Today I celebrate every woman aiming to make a difference -- towards a world of equality for all. What does March 8th mean to you? #IWD2014

a torn journal entry

Sometimes it just feels silly that I'm such a mess -- that I can't let go of the psychosis-like thoughts that haunt my days and fill my nightmares.  Other times it feels stupid that I could ever slip into this faux reality and believe it to be all there is...

Mostly I just want to cry because I can't make anything better. Not me, and most certainly not Kyla. I love her and I want the best for her but I can't seem to be who/what I need to be to make that happen.

I am not happy.

Being in this relationship with Phil is taking more than giving to me.  How do I get out? :(

a torn journal entry

I ask my higher self to talk to Phil's higher self to see where we're at an to request that Phil initiateve the conversation that I am having such a hard time getting us into.

The last couple weeks have been lovely.  I don't know if we can m ore into something lovingly supportive without the titles and definitions.

I perhaps am just short-sighted but I do not see nor feel a supportive future between us.

I know a relationship takes work, I just feel like I work too hard at this one with little to show for it.

I care about him so very much though... so, now what?

a torn journal entry

I feel like I can't even bring myself to write about my life.  Like somehow putting it to paper makes it more real -- too real.  I am lost with no way out.  I am stronger than I think & dumber than I give myself credit for.  Where am I trying to go from here?  I don't really have a clear picture of what I want.  How am I supposed to manifest my own destiny if I can't get past immediate gratification?

I want to lose weight. So why do I keep cheating on my best chance? Why am I not more angry at myself for cheating?

Do I want out of this relationship or can I stop duffering in it?

i don't know.

a torn journal entry

"feeling uninspired, guess I'll start a fire"

I've been trying lately. Really trying. I'm not sure at WHAT exactly, but I've certainly been trying.

Kyla comes back on Sunday.  I missed her SO much this time around.  I feel like I've been trying to distract myself from her not being here, more than trying to enjoy the break from care-taking for her. Note to self: DO LAUNDRY! :)

I want different furniture.
I want more tattoos.
I want to pay my mom back.
I want to rearrange my bedroom.
I want to do more crafty-art things.
I want to play board games w/ Kyla.
I want to go to the park more.
I want to walk more.
I want to take Kyla swimming more.
I want to eat less.

<3