If
you are a man, you are part of rape culture. I know … that sounds
rough. You’re not a rapist, necessarily. But you do perpetuate the
attitudes and behaviors commonly referred to as rape culture.
You
may be thinking, “Now, hold up, Zaron! You don’t know me, homey! I’ll
be damned if I’m gonna let you say I’m some sorta fan of rape. That’s
not me, man!”
I
totally know how you feel. That was pretty much exactly my response
when someone told me I was a part of rape culture. It sounds horrible.
But just imagine moving through the world, always afraid you could be
raped. That’s even worse! Rape culture sucks for everyone involved. But
don’t get hung up on the terminology. Don’t concentrate on the words
that offend you and ignore what they’re pointing to — the words “rape
culture” aren’t the problem.
The reality they describe is
the problem.
How are you part of rape culture? Well, I hate to say it, but it’s because you’re a man.
When
I cross a parking lot at night and see a woman ahead of me, I do
whatever I feel is appropriate to make her aware of me so that a) I
don’t startle her b) she has time to make herself feel safe/comfortable
and c) if it’s possible, I can approach in a way that’s clearly
friendly, in order to let her know I’m not a threat. I do this because
I’m a man.
Basically,
I acknowledge every woman I meet on the street, or in an elevator, or
in a stairway, or wherever, in a way that indicates she’s safe. I want
her to feel just as comfortable as if I weren’t there. I accept that any
woman I encounter in public doesn’t know me, and thus, all she sees is a
man — one who is suddenly near her. I have to keep in mind her sense of
space and that my presence might make her feel vulnerable. That’s the
key factor — vulnerability.
I
don’t know about you, but I don’t spend much of my life feeling
vulnerable. I’ve come to learn that women spend most of their social
lives with ever-present, unavoidable feelings of vulnerability. Stop and
think about that. Imagine always feeling like you could be at risk,
like you were living with glass skin.
As
modern men we must seek out danger. We choose adventures and extreme
sports in order to feel like we’re in jeopardy. We make games of our
vulnerability. That’s how differently men see the world from women.
(Obviously, stated with full acknowledgment that there’s a vibrant
community of extreme athletes that are women, who regularly risk their
safety as well. However, women don’t need to engage in adrenalin sports
to feel at-risk.)
Now,
I stand about a finger of tequila under six feet. I work out and would
say I’m in decent shape, which means when I’m out alone at night, I
rarely ever fear for my safety. Many men know exactly what I mean. Most
women have no idea what that feels like — to go wherever you want in the
world, at any time of day or night, and feel you won’t have a problem.
In fact, many women have the exact opposite experience.
A
woman must consider where she is going, what time of day it is, what
time she will arrive at her destination and what time she will leave her
destination, what day of the week is it, if she will be left alone at
any point … the considerations go on and on because they are far more
numerous than you or I can imagine. Honestly, I can’t conceive of having
to think that much about what I need to do to protect myself at any
given moment in my life. I relish the freedom of getting up and going,
day or night, rain or shine, Westside or downtown. As men we can enjoy
this particular extreme luxury of movement and freedom of choice. In
order to understand rape culture, remember this is a freedom that at
least half the population doesn’t enjoy.
That’s
why I go out of my way to use clear body language and act in a way that
helps minimize a woman’s fear and any related feelings. I recommend you
do the same. It’s seriously, like, the least any man can do in public
to make women feel more comfortable in the world we share. Just be
considerate of her and her space.
You
may think it’s unfair that we have to counteract and adjust ourselves
for the ill behavior of other men. You know what? You’re right. It is
unfair. Is that the fault of women? Or is it the fault of the men who
act abysmally and make the rest of us look bad? If issues of fairness
bother you, get mad at the men who make you and your actions appear
questionable.
Because when it comes to assessing a man, whatever one man is capable of, a woman must presume you are
capable of. Unfortunately, that means all men must be judged by our
worst example. If you think that sort of stereotyping is bullshit, how
do you treat a snake you come across in the wild?
…You
treat it like a snake, right? Well, that’s not stereotyping, that’s
acknowledging an animal for what it’s capable of doing and the harm it
can inflict. Simple rules of the jungle, man. Since you are a man, women
must treat you as such.
The
completely reasonable and understandable fear of men is your
responsibility. You didn’t create it. But you also didn’t build the
freeways either. Some of the things you inherit from society are cool
and some of them are rape culture.
Since no woman can accurately judge you or your intentions on sight, you are assumed to be like all other men.
73% of the time a woman knows her rapist.
Now, if she can’t trust and accurately assess the intentions of men she
knows, how can you expect her to ever feel that she can accurately
assess you, a complete stranger? Rape prevention is not just about women
teaching women how not to get raped — it’s about men not committing
rape.
Rape
prevention is about the fact that a man must understand that saying “no”
doesn’t mean “yes,” that when a woman is too drunk/drugged to respond
that doesn’t mean “yes,” that being in a relationship doesn’t mean
“yes.” Rather than focus on how women can avoid rape, or how rape
culture makes an innocent man feel suspect, our focus should be: how do
we, as men, stop rapes from occurring, and how do we dismantle the
structures that dismiss it and change the attitudes that tolerate it?
Since you are a part of it, you ought to know what rape culture is.
Rape
Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which
sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and
popular culture. Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of
misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the
glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that
disregards women’s rights and safety.
When
a woman first told me I was part of rape culture, I wanted to disagree
for obvious reasons. Like many of you I wanted to say, “Whoa, that ain’t
me.” Instead, I listened. Later, I approached a writer I respect. I
asked her to write an article with me, wherein she’d explain rape
culture to me and to male readers. She stopped returning my emails.
At
first, I was annoyed. Then as it became clear she wasn’t going to
respond at all, I actually got mad. Luckily, I’ve learned one shouldn’t
immediately respond when they feel flashes of anger. Thunder is
impressive but it’s the rain that nourishes life. So I let that storm
pass and thought about it. I took a walk. They seem to jangle my best
thoughts loose.
Blocks
from my house, in front of a car wash it dawned on me. If rape culture
is so important to me I needed to find out for my self what it is. No
woman owes me her time just because I want to know about something she
inherently understands. No woman should feel she has to explain rape
culture to me just because I want to know what it is. No woman owes me
shit. I saw how my desire for a woman to satisfy me ran deep. Even my
curiosity, a trait that always made me proud, was marred with the same
sort of male-centric presumption that fuels rape culture. I expected to
be satisfied. That attitude is the problem. I started reading and kept
reading until I understood rape culture and my part in it.
· Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
· Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
· Sexually explicit jokes
· Tolerance of sexual harassment
· Inflating false rape report statistics
· Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
· Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
· Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
· Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
· Pressure on men to “score”
· Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
· Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
· Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
· Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
· Teaching women to avoid getting raped instead of teaching men not to rape
You’ll
quickly find that rape culture plays a central role in all the social
dynamics of our time. It’s at the heart of all our personal
interactions. It’s part of all our social, societal and environmental
struggles. Rape culture is not just about sex. It is the product of a
generalized attitude of male supremacy. Sexual violence is one
expression of that attitude. Again, don’t let the terminology spook you.
Don’t get hung up on the term “male supremacy.” The term isn’t the
problem. The problem is that rape culture hurts everyone involved.
Antiquated patriarchal notions of society make it difficult for men to
come forward as rape victims just as much as they foster a desire for a
man to be seen as powerful and sexually aggressive. Men shouldn’t feel
threatened or attacked when women point out rape culture — they’re
telling us about our common enemy. We ought to listen.
Now that you know what it is, what can you do about rape culture?
· Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women
· Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape
· If a friend says she has been raped, take her seriously and be supportive
· Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence
· Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations
· Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent
· Define your own manhood or womanhood. Do not let stereotypes shape your actions.
1. Men can confront men.
No
one is suggesting violence. In fact, that’s what we’re looking to
avoid. But sometimes, a man needs to confront another man or a group of
men in a situation. When I’m out in public and I see a man hassling a
woman, I stop for a moment. I make sure the woman sees me. I want her to
know I’m fully aware of what’s happening. I wait for a moment for a
clear indication from her of whether she needs help. Sometimes, the
couple will continue right on fighting like I’m just a hickory tree.
Other times, the woman will make it clear she’d like backup and I
approach the situation. I’ve never had to get violent. Usually, my
presence alone makes the guy leave if he’s a stranger, or explain
himself if they’re familiar. It changes the dynamic. That’s why I always
stop when I see a woman getting hassled in public. For any reason. I
make sure any woman, in what could become a violent situation, one I may
or may not be correctly assessing, feels that she has the opportunity
to signal to me if she needs assistance. I’m a big brother to a sister
so that response is practically instinctual.
But,
I don’t limit this to women. I’ve also done this for two men who were
clearly in a lovers’ spat. Whenever you see a situation spiraling out of
control, and especially if someone is crying for help or being
attacked, you should confront the situation. You don’t need to “break it
up.” But engage, get involved, take down pertinent information, alert
authorities, call the police. Do something.
2. Men can correct men.
If
you hear a guy say some jacked-up slurs in front of you and there’s no
one from that particular community around to be offended, you can still
say something. This is also true when you hear misogynistic language.
Speak up. Tell your friend or co-worker that rape jokes are bullshit and
you won’t tolerate them.
Trust
me you won’t lose your “man card.” If you’re older than nineteen and
you’re still worried about your man card, you don’t understand what
respectable masculinity is about, anyway. It’s not about cultish
approval from others — it’s about being “your own man” and doing the
right thing. You might be surprised by how many other men will respect
you for doing what they wanted to but didn’t. I’ve heard it plenty. I’m
not some social justice cop, but I have and will argue with whole
roomfuls of men. Later on, some dudes will approach me and say how much
they respected what I did. I always tell them it gets easier to speak up
every time you do it. I promise you that’s true.
No
one is suggesting you go around policing everybody. I don’t make it my
business to make sure everyone live by my yardstick. No one needs you
telling them what you think about every little thing they say and
whether it meets your criteria for social awareness. But when some dude
says some foul shit, and you know it — we all hear those jokes — you can
let the dude know his rape joke or his “she’s a whore” analogy didn’t
play.
3. Men can make other men STFU.
Let’s
say, you’re in a group of men, and one of your friends starts hollering
at a girl — tell him to knock it the fuck off. You won’t be a punk for
speaking up for the woman. As long as you don’t try to score points with
her for “defending her,” you won’t be white-knighting it either. You’re
just doing the right thing. No one needs some sexist clown hollering at
her because the dude popped a mental woody. Cat-calling is one of the
worst advertisements for male sexuality there is. Those assholes make us
all look like complete tools. You get that, right? We need to cut that
shit out.
Working
construction is when I learned to speak up to a group of men. You have
to do it. Mostly, you do it because you want to respect yourself.
Otherwise, you’re another pathetic man that allows a guy to mistreat a
woman in your presence. When a guy cat-calls a woman and you don’t say
something, he just treated her like a cheaply degraded sex object for
his satisfaction and he turned you into the punk-ass that’s willing to
allow him to mistreat a woman in your presence … while you say nothing.
What
would your grandfather think if he saw you in that moment? Would he be
proud of you? Are you proud of yourself? Male pride is good for
something — use it to be your better self. Don’t be that silent punk
that goes along with the crowd to get along with the crowd. Speak up
when someone cat-calls a woman in front of you. Tell them to shut the
fuck up. As a man, you have power. Use it. Men respect conviction.
4. It’s our job to have standards for ourselves, and thus, for all men.
You
may think, “Zaron, man, lighten up, brother. Cat-calling is not that
big a deal. Aren’t we making a mountain out of a molehill? Some women
like it.” You may be right. Maybe some women do like it. That doesn’t
matter. I like to speed. My cousin likes to smoke pot in public. Neither
of us gets to do what we like. That’s just how it goes sometimes when
you’re a member of a society. If you find that woman who likes to be
cat-called, go for it, just do it behind closed doors. When you’re in
public, respect the physical and mental space of others.
Don’t limit yourself to being a man. Be a mensch. Be a human being.
When something like #
YesAllWomen
occurs in our cultural conversation and women the world over are out
there sharing their experiences, their trauma, their stories and their
personal views, as men, we don’t need to enter that conversation. In
that moment, all we need to do is listen, and reflect, and let their
words change our perspective. Our job is to ask ourselves how we can do
better.
